My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Randomize
