You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There r osticjed everywhere
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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