Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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