so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
