If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
