You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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