I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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