Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
