That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
