Soap is not a condiment
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
