I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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