I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
soo... how was my night?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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