I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
