i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
