Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
