Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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