I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
