the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
