Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
