I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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