PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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