she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have aggressive nipples.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
