hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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