Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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