I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize