It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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