how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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