i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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