from now on my penis is your penis
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
