My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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