My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
