It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
