Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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