I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
