VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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