That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
