Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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