I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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