Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
