would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
