My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
