Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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