Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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