Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
