why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
