Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
