youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
