im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
