ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
