before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
