You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
