I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
