Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
His hands were made for my vagina.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
