Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
