everyone is single if you try hard enough
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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