and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
